Over the next years leading in to my first set of real school exams, my sense of isolation grew and grew. I had only 1 friend. The sole members of the opposite sex I saw were Jehovah Witness girls, and I knew that Witnesses could not be trusted.
I was in a dark place and often cried myself to sleep as I could see no escape route. I couldn’t leave as my father, at this time an elder – and as zealous as ever would throw me out of the house. How would I support myself? Would I sleep on the streets? I had no cash, no supportive kin, and no one with whom I could speak. I was alone.
I realised that it was important to get the best education possible so I worked hard for my junior exams – and achieved one of the best grades in the year. I achieved 9 honours, one ‘A’ and 8 ‘B’ grades for those that may know the Irish system. This was the first time I had been really content in months, I needed to celebrate ; I wanted to go with my friends to an alcohol free disco. This was forbidden, but far worse, no alternative was offered, no family dinner, no congratulations party – just a nod and a well done child.
My one Jehovah Witness buddy, who was maybe fourteen at this point, was due to remain over in our house that weekend. After my elders largely ignoring my scholastic success, I decided that I would like to try vodka – so I purchased a half bottle and that night I got drunk for the first time with my only ‘friend’.
As the weeks wore on I became more disillusioned, I was aching within and it felt like a punch in the gut permanently . I prayed to Jehovah at night with tears dripping down my face, quietly crying in order not to draw attention – there wasn’t any one who could understand, nobody who could help. Jehovah was silent. Eventually I grew morbidly fascinated by systems of suicide ; pills could take up to 48 hours, no guns in Eire, perhaps monoxide poisoning? I was searching for the best way to kill myself.
I eventually settled on slitting my wrist. So with a fresh bottle of vodka and three Stanley knife blades, I wrote my goodbye letter – it was actually the fault of the elders and the religion, I wrote, they had driven me to this point and this was the sole way out. When my elders were asleep I started into the vodka, then with the bottle finished I made the first cut – but it wasn’t deep enough, nor were the following ones. Eventually I cut and cut and cut again into the same opening making it bigger and bigger. It hurt like hell even through the alcohol – I squeezed my arm, begging for the vein to open. Tears soaked my face and I considered the nothingness that I could escape to – freedom from the daily agony. I could not cut deep enough and I was cutting vertically not down the vein as I later discovered was the ‘correct’ system. In frustration I cut more and more lines into my wrist – at this point my arm was awfully bloody and sticky red but still no vein was found. Blood flowed as from any big cut, but not fast enough.
irritated and in lot of discomfort, I determined to make another cut, and sleep in the vain hope that the blood which flowed from my arm would be adequate to not wake up again.
the following morning I woke with a thumping headache, a bloody letter, sheets covered in red, but still very much alive. I hurriedly took away the vodka bottle, the note, and cleaned my arm up. I’ve always had nose bleeds which at times were quite serious so I blamed the sheets on this.
the following days were a blur and a half fact, I was meant to have died, and I detested myself for not having the guts to do the job correctly.
everything changed the next weekend. The family went for a stroll in the forest and I found myself alone amongst the trees in the special silence that only nature can offer. Like a flash, I realised that everything was joined together, the hint of pine needles and wood sap, the birds singing, the sun filtering through the leaves, the warmth on my skin – it all condensed and I felt for the first time like I belonged to the Earth.
It was at about that point that I realized regardless of what my situation in life, I could be accountable for my future – I determined how my life would map out, not my folks, not their faith, nor any other person……
This story continues at Jehovahs Witness
The full Jehovahs Witness story is available at Jehovahs Witness Beliefs
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